am sad...

Well, just got back from my family reunion. So sad... This is the side of the family with the darkest of dark past. I don't know if a single one of them has not been just torn apart by drugs and alcohol, beyond the average devastation. My cousin and I just magnetized to each other. I guess she's been asking about me for years, totally remembers when we used to play together and stuff. The problem with my past drug life is that it stole a huge chunk of my memory, so these things she brought up were so hazy. She told me about her and her sister and their recent trauma with meth. Man, these girls are lucky to be alive. I got to tell her that I'm a new girl now, no longer a slave to the drugs that were my weapon of choice. The last time she saw me I had just stumbled back from New Mexico and I was such a desperate wreck. I think God talk made her a bit uncomfortable as she is in the heat of the "life" right now. I just wanted to hold her, she broke my heart so bad. She was basically on her own from very young. Learned how to mirror mom and follow right in those footsteps. Man it's so daunting, the idea of being a mom. A holler out to you Jesus mommys that may read this. You give me such hope when I never imagined bringing a child into this world would be humane. The rains that came this afternoon perfectly fit the sadness of the mood there. Just surrounded by the walking dead, so many lost. They better watch out because now they've got a prayer monster on the prowl. I got lots of ammo today to give to God. It'll be neat to see what He'll do. I know He can reach anyone, even my family that I had basically given up on. How dare I surrender hope for His created. I'd probably die of shock if I had the slightest clue about how deeply He loves them and yearns for them. I'm glad His love is so big that it can't possibly be understood by our meager minds. I wish my cousin knew that, how very much she's loved. Her name is Tasha, and if you all could please pray for her, I'd be much obliged. She really wants to see me again, so we'll see...